In the same topic of drawing, my shoulders, neck, back and hands are showing some improvement from the rehabilitation exercise. It is a very slow process but it really is the first time after 2 years that it actually shows any actual signs of improvement. I need to discipline myself and keep up with the exercise. In which I really would like to come back to my roots, making original story comic instead of just fan art. I don't know if I can and will ever be able to handle long running series one anymore, but at the very least I want to make 3 one-shot I have been brewing during these past 2 years of 'inactivity'. Okay jumping into the cut.
Okay, being Asian, there is time when I was being matchmaking into. When it happened my mind basically went 'UGHHH' and when it didn't go through I actually feel relieved. So I question myself again, could it be that I actually happy just being the way it is? Or just exactly what I am looking for? I do suspect I mainly feel weird with my relationship status is because how society especially how Asian family view it. I might not be the world best daughter, but I know I throw myself doing my best for my family. Then this is when I get hurt, all of these seems to come as given and just because I am a freak that never in relationship and like nerdy stuff, suddenly I am an embarrassment as a daughter. Ugh, I mean as I have been hinting before, my mum survived from brain cancer in which at that time even the doctor told us she only has little time left. She told me herself her lingering worry is me being the state of I am in my life. Then I also overheard her conversation with friends few times basically sum up, 'there is nothing we can do but batting a half-blind eye with the way my daughter is' ....ouch, ouch so hard. I hate it, I hate being unable to have something special. I could devote my entire heart and life into someone or something and at the end they always prefer others, be it friend or even in this case my mother, in which seems to be more taken with my brothers. I always under the policy of 'if I just do my best, work the hardest, surely things will be all right' but boy am I wrong or what. There are things, lot of things that you can't achieve if you are just not born with it, talent or skill. One of them is to make people want to be with you, next to you, seek you for company. Whatever this is called, I sure don't have a knack of it. There were times when my mum went through harsh chemotherapy, being out of job at that time I basically accompanied her 24/7 and no matter how hard I try to strike conversation or anything, she would be happier only when my bro were home. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and they are really is the nicest family anyone could ask for. This is where the conflict is from. I love my family and I know they love me as well, hence it hurts me so much that they think I am a failure despite my effort. As for friendship, basically similar, I can tell I am the one in need of their company but they only think of my presence of extra. Like if they are going to spend time with, it would be anyone but me. Like I said whatever it is that people have to make friends actually friends with them actually wanting to a an extra mile planning and spending time with them, I don't have it, NOPE.
Oh I tried, I tried to, but it just doesn't work and I find it so hard to fit the time for everything. After the crash and burn of the failure to be more sociable and all, I just find myself hating myself more and more.
Career, if only I can be more successful with my career at least, or has special skill going on, then i can probably get away from being an embarrassment of a human being. Alas, I am mediocre in my skill and all those years of animation and art study. Nevertheless I still thought if I keep working hard surely... Wrong wrong wrong wrong! In irony of them all, I ended up with RSI... I.. know, chances are I will never be able to fully back to normal, can never go back to animation or maybe even design/art related job at all. Our family has nothing left, so really I do consider myself lucky to still end up with the office job I have, at the very least I have income and can still help funding my parents. But seriously, my feelings are nothing but trainwreck man. My only 'weapon' is my effort, this RSI is robbing me even the last and only defence I have... I have learnt to accept it, but I will be lying if i say I am not sad or jealous every time I see my friends from the same BG living their dream working in animation/art/design related stuff. Heck even people who can just freely create and do stuff with their HANDS without the worry of their stupid hands gonna act up and shit your whole body up. To be honest I am devastated.
Oh yeah and the amount of time I want to wring the neck of insensitive bastards that laugh at how I ended up with office job despite going to art/animation school, even knowing about my RSI, ughh...
I prayed so hard for my mum to be saved somehow, now that she is saved I am scared to pray for anything else. I feel that God has bestowed us miracle, I feel like I have to pay for that miracle. In all honesty, I do think the thought. My mum's life and presence, worth more than my sorry life and ability. Maybe in exchange for that miracle I do have to live this mediocre, weird and not going anywhere life of mine. Oh not to worry, I have no guts for self-harm or suicide, plus that doesn't benefit my family does it? At this moment I can only think of living this meaningless life of mine and provide money and support as much as this sorry life can provide. I only hope i can steel myself and think, 'society or people view of me can go fuck up, I will go living my life still' and not to be conflicted with it.
I love my hobbies, I love drawing, I love making comics. I have no special skill or anything remotely close to being good at them, but I enjoy it. No one but myself miss these, but I really really do. I know the RSI has rob me of these, and even with my effort with rehabilitation I can probably only salvage a small portion of it. I know even if I don;t get RSI I will still going nowhere with the skill level of mine. Still I want to do it, I am happy when someone actually appreciate it, I know it is nothing special so I understand if no one appreciate it, but I feel good to put portion of my mind into the works. That's all folks~