I tried my best at work and it really tire me a lot to the point I could just go home, eat, sit downs a bit then shower and lay flat dying on bed. All in all I understand I am not happy with my job, but I can't afford to get out of the stability of it. I have to support my own living and also my parents. My salary is standard but honestly i will not able to handle group 2 job responsibility if current one is enough to wring me out this much. As I have often mentioned before, I gave up my art life. I know from all circumstances with necessity to support your own living and my hand, neck and shoulder condition, I can't hold design nor animation job anymore. Understanding this and living it out is different thing. So I have another days when I just randomly burst into tears when I'm alone. The hardest thing is I feel I no longer can talk this out to anyone anymore. It is getting repetitive, I know that and I wish I can get over it too. But it is actually getting worse.
I am angry and jealous. I hate myself for feeling so but Its the truth. I am sad days after days looking at my friends keep drawing, animating, getting design related job and just brightly getting better and happier at their life. I am happy for them but the more I am sorry about myself. I used to be so into my craft that it is my life, I dont care if I am socially awkward as long as i can keep pouring my ideas into art. The moment it is gone I try to compensate all those life long mistake to be such a socially closed human and the more I try to more I failed the more I am reminded and miss my art. The freedom to just draw without being stopped by pain.
None of this is my friends fault, they are not showing off. Basically it is as if I am being vegan forcefully due to health and then you keep seeing all these wonderful meat dishes photos all over your social media by your friends. Can you blame them? Obviously not, but does it bother you? Hell yeah... So I decided to lock away and stay as minimal as I can with social media atm.
I feel I lost everything, all the time I spent for my art has been for nothing just like that. No matter how hard I try at my current job I just can't, hardwork doesnt bear me any fruit, it took away everything from me instead. I have no other skills, people saying I am nice doesn't help me with life. At the end they always choose someone else anyway. Anything or anyone is chosen except me because I'm never good enough. I have nothing left all I can look in the future is bleak. I have no skill, no room to work hard on things I love, No wealth, no one to share love and just empty dreams. For 3 days in row now I keep having random sobbing crying mess, and I don't think it is going to be over. I want to be saved somehow but there is just no way out. Everything is too late and all that can be done is just slowing down the destruction. I try to be strong but I have currently hit my limit so for the time being i am staying away from others and stay here in blog that majority doesn't even aware exist.