I haven't update my blog for a while since I'm busy with our family sudden loss. My mother who has been battling with cancer since 2009 has just passed away.
Warning: depressing post and rants and all after the cut
Actually the first warning we got was back in 2012 when the cancer got to her brain. However at that time she was miraculously cured and then we started to move on to treat the cancer in other places such as bones, lung and liver. This was originally found out on 2009 as breast cancer.
She was in manageable state to the point I had already planned to finally take her to Germany this September/October, the trip that she had wanted to go and has been cancelled since 2012 due to sudden medical problems. I know that I went to Japan this year instead of taking her to Germany, I deeply regret that even though partly was because we still haven't really received total green light from doctors to take her away for overseas trip. When she was given okay she was saying that she wants to go home and this happened while I was still in Japan.
Unfortunately her condition suddenly worsen at the end of the holiday home and after she was back in Australia she went straight to hospital and things just started to went downhill from then.
I already had a suspicion that this is not gonna be light one from the way she didn't want to eat and how weak she suddenly sounded on the phone near the end of her holiday home. Being back home was usually the time where she was eager on eating all the foods she loves since she doesn't have to cook them herself. At that time we were thinking that maybe she was still tired and sad from losing my aunt who has stayed at her place for 15 years, who was her sister. Managing funeral and all weren't easy task after all (now that I have gone through one too myself)
However in the back of our minds, everyone was thinking that she can be cured again since she survived the 2012 one. This included my mother too.
At the end the doctor said there wasn't anything she can do as the cancer in the liver just suddenly flared up and immune to all the chemos. She has warned us that she can drop down anytime as this is the nature of the disease on the liver and at most she had a month. Which again sadly she was only lasted for around a week in palliative care before her condition totally dropped and passed away the next day...
She refused to believe she can't be saved, hence compared to the last one she didn't leave us any 'last words'. This really sadden my dad and my family.
I'm just hoping she didn't leave world with too much regrets though I know her last worry was probably me, which really weighed on my mind with so much grief and regrets. I know I have done as much as I can but I still can't helped think if only I was more of a successful and great daughter then she can be more proud and relieved. If only I forced her to go to Germany this year instead of me going to Japan, like omg so many things just circling around my mind.
I am still so mad that the doctor at palliative care was so insistent to kick her out the facility bec she deemed mum to be too healthy in palliative care and they don't want to keep people for long term period as this is not a free facility for long period of time. We told her how the oncologist doctor has warned us that she can dropped down anytime and the doctor still insistent telling us from the way she looked she can last at least a month of two. My mum was happy and already planned for us to go to IKEA breakfast on Sunday when she was meant to be discharged (kicked out heh) and guess what you doctor quack, she passed away on the morning of that same day you planned to kick her out!
God so help me not to let any of us meet that doctor again or else I might not be able to control myself and punch her!
She was irresponsibly gave us false hope without even looking At her detailed chart!
Look I know that it's not really her fault but I really wish she doesn't just say such things irresponsibly in the future to any other patients especially being a doctor in charge of palliative care hospital.
I had nightmare before she was told to go to palliative care that I was the only one away from my mum side when she passed away. I cried and wailed until I woke up. This happened like around a month before we even being told she can't be saved. Fearing my nightmare, I prepared to cancel my trip to Sydney for SMASH!con since I obviously don't want to be away too. Turned out due to me staying awake on that night/morning, I detected the change in her breathing and called the nurse, the nurse told us this is the sign of last breathing and to wake my father up...
Had I not stayed back that night and keep awake, no one will know or catch her time of death since the nurse was not around, no monitor and my dad would still be asleep. So after that in less than 10 minutes my mother passed away early in the morning at 3.10...
I miss her and everyone will miss her. She was such a great mum and she basically worked to her bones for her family. I don't know what to do anymore except staying strong and keep my promise with her to take care of dad.
Technically I can still go to SMASH! But from not having the mood to preparation time is gone for the merch, I decided to pass on it while bearing the loss of money for paying the plane tickets and admission fee to the con.
Not to mention my zektbach charms came up defected too so yeah haha, I will post more about the merch thing on another entry.
I'm happy some of friends actually came to my mum's viewing and all. It is still disheartening that some people from our families that my mum had desperately helped with in the past which is now causing us the remaining family trouble from legal paperwork and all, had turned cold shoulder to us as there is no more benefit to reap so they can just leave us alone attitude... This has affected some of thoughts too like IDK, I guess I'm tired and feels less worthy of my own self with the thinking of "I can't even made my own mother happy.."
All I hope now is the rest of family is okay. All in all I will apologize in advance as I will be more and more depressed and has zero confidence on myself, after all this shit has hit me so hard. Orz